Year of light and delight part 2

  • Some thing ‘ convenient ‘ does not make you as happy as you could be. Perhaps in fact it chips away at you, until one day it’s ‘ convenience ‘ is not enough anymore. Themes of self defence have been circling me and others I know. At least in part, I know I did it,  with many things. Some of this by choice some not. Some is still there waiting patiently for me to be ready to process it. I can feel a piece now on my periphery, making me sad, by minutes, by hours, by days. Exactly what it consists of, I’m not sure, but I am on the cusp of connecting to it, and when I do, I will cope with it. I know it relates to how much I hate having fibromyalgia and what it’s already done to me. I can’t think of a time, which has been OK for a long period of time for the last four or five years. I feel sometimes like, my mind has been fried. What the fuck has happened. My list of conveniences ..
  • Work -full time nursing  on a ward
  • My rented apartment  

Ok, the first one, work is convenient because I know my job, there isn’t too much new to learn. Decent pay in that, I can afford rent and a holiday. I like my clientele. I get to learn acupuncture. 

Inconvenient because: I dislike most of my colleagues, the hours exhaust me, I’m always in pain, some of the job aspects significantly increase my pain to unbearable. I actually am bored / burnt out of this setting. 

My apartment, the 2 year leak in the shower caused tiles to collapse inwards this weekend, the toilet over flow thing goes on for 5 minutes. The other toilet leaks. The shower wall has now got black mound on it and is coming away from the wall. The kitchen paint is peeling off, never was re decorated after a flood upstairs. All rooms need painting. The balcony doesn’t get any fucking sun except in the morning so my plants barely grow. I miss grass. My neighbours I like except for 1 who abuses his partner. I moved rooms so I couldn’t hear him verbally abusing her, I got worried every time I heard him pushing her. I hate my landlord. She’s rude, lies, doesn’t want to spend any money maintaining what otherwise would be a nice flat. My nearer surrounding area, some what rough  .. Not good for long term. 

So far, this year I swapped from ward care to community, although in the same place, I feel healthier. It was and is hard to adjust to normal hours but in two weeks time I’ll be good as new. And now, adventure number 2, finding a new place to live. I want a garden. 🌲🌷🌼🌸🌻🌺🌳 OK? 

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