Integration Thoughts

Some times I think to myself, I’m not ready for the initiation part of having The Rite of Parent Divination. Some times i think I really need a mind- rest. My head or my body it seems, take turns to throw me. How much more can I handle? Need to rest. More recently, I’ve been wondering what lurks in my mind, behind closed doors to which even I can not access. I also mused at how in spiritual work you are expected to know yourself, complete integration. Yet, I suppose like any sort of trauma, my mind has sealed away a world of pain, which is now seeping through its guard. What I feared, was just how much it will crush me like last time. Will I sleep 16 hours and struggle to wake up, will my thoughts clog to a degree I have no room for anything else.  So; how do you protect yourself… From yourself?  I have made up a word for what I need, I call it the Mind Umbrella. Just picturing it, makes me smile and eases my anxiety. Whatever comes my way, i will deal with it. I will still stand at the end of it. After explaining my problem to a therapist, I felt there wasn’t really a way to protect yourself from in coming wall collapses, but better it be through therapy than by accident. And so, now I have the job of trying to form connections to my symptoms and what’s left behind the doors. Tiredness, excessive sleeping – yes even for me! Thoughts starting to slowdown and feel heavier, like a secret weight seeping in everyday. So that’s what I know. I’m currently feeling the ” just leave me alone ” part. Don’t want to go out, just want to sleep. I want to yawn just typing it. This is frustrating. Damn it.   


2 thoughts on “Integration Thoughts

    1. cinnamonwarmth Post author

      Sorry if you get this message repeated, my internets playing up. I haven’t tried deep meditation, I was planning on maybe exploring the idea in Senut ( prayer ) but I really think I’d need a guide with me to help me with it. I struggle to keep my mind still at the best of times.


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