When I am in acute pain, my focus is ” what will get rid of this pain, let’s do all the things to get rid and keep it that way”. So years of exercising and learning the hard way what aggregates disc / nerve pain, I have been accustomed to. Pretty shit experience but liveable. To then having mysterious pain , that few things seem to help, to being bounced around appointment to appointment and it taking 2 or so years to find out what’s wrong. In this time, I don’t know how if at all, I kept some sanity . What I have is permanent, ever present and constantly in my mental chatter, telling me what to do, what to avoid and don’t forget your meds. Survival planning. Well, what happens when, slowly, after years of survival mode turns into.. Ooh this shit ain’t so bad.. I feel pretty good! Discomfort is minimal. Bitch! I can do other stuff again. Thankfuck for that! I decided to read a medical book on fibromyalgia, to pick up some tips to managing it, especially as I wanted to know how to handle fatigue better if it came round again. To my surprise, as I started to read it – an anger burned away suddenly. It was like it was not mine, then it went again. I never was able to read that book. I discussed this phonemon with a work colleague who helps me navigate my fibromyalgia. She said,”
anger is another burden to carry, have you considered counselling?”
No. I’m quite enjoying my bit of peace for the first time in years! I’ll think about it later.
Now is the later. My anger had slowly but surely descended and suffocated me, I oddly
did not sense it as anger, I felt it more as stress and a vague negative feeling inside. At work again, this time with some one else, I finally peiced together the feelings correctly, and it hurt. When I got home, I was sick immediately, and took hours to sleep. My next day I just cried. The next day, a new wave of uncomfortable feelings came up. Ones that are unhealthy, some that are. I wasanxious about, if I had counselling, how would I realistically cope with the feelings ? And work ? I’m exhausted mentally. I came across Rainer Maria Rilke this week. I am really in to Rainer Maria Rilke, I don’t usually like poems at all. There is one letter he wrote to a young man who was torn between going into the military or being a poet. I found some peace in it, I guess, maybe, counselling will be bearable after all.
“Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet