Dumptrucks

I was ok. Next month I am not. Somehow, I slid back into depression. I’m so hurt it’s back. I really thought, this medication is working. The low mood I felt I thought was a normal persons low mood. Which would pass. Apparently not. I’ve now hit ‘ rage’. I can only agree with my friend that I became unbearable. I can’t begin to tell you how I acted,  what I said or did – because I can’t actually remember anything much at all. I just have a mental image / impression which is like having rage blast through you, at such strength nothing you do controls it, or reduces it. I’m sure at some point I thought, I’d like to take my brain out today . Sadly not an option. I did feel like I was cracking up. I wondered why my thoughts were ‘ batty.’ A hundred ideas a minute making no real sense. I have a very accurate track in my collection of Peter Fox CDs, that can sum it up Kopf Verloren.  Sorry it’s in German — to those who don’t understand it. This time my depression is different. Never had the rage before, irratated.. Yes but this one I could have probably fought a bear and won. Now, I have to pluck enough strength together to fight this again. I don’t mind the feeling wobbly bits, that’s ok. Plan: hide under duvet and watch DVDs. But agitated suicidal thoughts? Usually phone calls or internet distraction works. Rage + go kill yourself? I’m not sure how to face that one. It seems a good time to hit the shrine. I don’t think I can do it alone and I can’t face talking to anyone about it indepth. if I could liken it to anything, it feels like the below picture. Some how I’ve squashed the rage snake for now, but I know it’s lying in wait. To tell me I should just die anyway. No one needs /wants/ cares for me. Recounting past arguments, falls outs, breakups, friends who disappeared.  I’m tired.



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2 thoughts on “Dumptrucks

  1. Nick

    I’m here for you if you need anything, be it a shoulder to cry on or an ear to yell in.

    You’re in my thoughts. 🙂

    Reply

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