I have had a rough year. The degree of which, meant no blog entries. I did write some but deleted them. I don’t have the language to convey what the last year is like because some things are better felt than said. Plus, I don’t want to talk much about it. I have had two bearevements, both at the same time pretty much. My life was a revolving cycle of hospital visits and anxiety, not that I am complaining. Whilst this happened, I left one bad job that was making me ill, for another. There were upsides to both jobs, certainly. The last one took all my energy, on days off I couldn’t even regain energy anymore, so, after a weekend of imagining quitting and a phone call to a friend, indeed I quit the next day. I have learnt a huge amount about illness on a spectrum, and it never ceases to amaze me, how resilient humans can be, and how awful. I also learnt I’m very stubborn, and have a limit of how much information I can take in one go! I’m now looking for a job that won’t kill me. At this point selling my underwear could be an option 😂 My mood has been funny the last week, initially relieved, then low. I do not miss or regret my choices, but I suppose I have time finally to process this last year. I have the funeral services of my close friend and nan, on my dining table. I can look briefly but haven’t put them away yet. This Saturday is a short service for my nan, for her ashes. My shrine has gotten dusty. This week I have slowly returned to reading prayer books and blogs etc. I always talk in my head to my gods. Now I’m ready to talk out loud. I am doing a healing candle, clean my brain out, move what I don’t need anymore. So, two prayers later, a candle, natron and water I will be finished in four days ( kemetic number of completion). So far my flame is a peachy pink colour, which is reassuring. I must remember that only Hethert gets to wander. 🤔
- Some thing ‘ convenient ‘ does not make you as happy as you could be. Perhaps in fact it chips away at you, until one day it’s ‘ convenience ‘ is not enough anymore. Themes of self defence have been circling me and others I know. At least in part, I know I did it, with many things. Some of this by choice some not. Some is still there waiting patiently for me to be ready to process it. I can feel a piece now on my periphery, making me sad, by minutes, by hours, by days. Exactly what it consists of, I’m not sure, but I am on the cusp of connecting to it, and when I do, I will cope with it. I know it relates to how much I hate having fibromyalgia and what it’s already done to me. I can’t think of a time, which has been OK for a long period of time for the last four or five years. I feel sometimes like, my mind has been fried. What the fuck has happened. My list of conveniences ..
- Work -full time nursing on a ward
- My rented apartment
Ok, the first one, work is convenient because I know my job, there isn’t too much new to learn. Decent pay in that, I can afford rent and a holiday. I like my clientele. I get to learn acupuncture.
Inconvenient because: I dislike most of my colleagues, the hours exhaust me, I’m always in pain, some of the job aspects significantly increase my pain to unbearable. I actually am bored / burnt out of this setting.
My apartment, the 2 year leak in the shower caused tiles to collapse inwards this weekend, the toilet over flow thing goes on for 5 minutes. The other toilet leaks. The shower wall has now got black mound on it and is coming away from the wall. The kitchen paint is peeling off, never was re decorated after a flood upstairs. All rooms need painting. The balcony doesn’t get any fucking sun except in the morning so my plants barely grow. I miss grass. My neighbours I like except for 1 who abuses his partner. I moved rooms so I couldn’t hear him verbally abusing her, I got worried every time I heard him pushing her. I hate my landlord. She’s rude, lies, doesn’t want to spend any money maintaining what otherwise would be a nice flat. My nearer surrounding area, some what rough .. Not good for long term.
So far, this year I swapped from ward care to community, although in the same place, I feel healthier. It was and is hard to adjust to normal hours but in two weeks time I’ll be good as new. And now, adventure number 2, finding a new place to live. I want a garden. 🌲🌷🌼🌸🌻🌺🌳 OK?
Ending of years are always a conflicting time of year for me. The influences of that year are going to be less, but new ones will come into focus. In kemetic orthodoxy, each year has its own God/s and or Goddess/es reigning over that year : with goals for that year to achieve. This means, change, some times it is comfortable some times not but always for the better. So, for my own memory’s sake, I’ll remember what’s happened at the end of the year.. And the beginning. 1. I sent protection to whales/ dolphins from Faroese hunters. I wondered if it had helped at all.. ( even though the warm fuzzies I got from the candle said yes ). So the answer to my question, was played out quite amusingly. Part of the magic was to make the hunters not be able to see or hear whales/ Dolphins, so at least some could escape. Twice, in one week I wanted to eat fish for dinner, but twice at the shops when I asked clearly for fish – the person operating the till didn’t hear me. No fish for me. I took it as answer to my question but also part of a price, if I want to protect them, I can not eat fish. Sounds fair to me. 2. I called upon ancestors, known and unknown to help prevent police brutality against people of colour. There is a ritual held every week by a group I like to follow. I like keeping my eye on the ball. It has given me interesting things to read about, I even was asked if I wanted to be taught by a life priest to serve Ifa. I was quite surprised by this, but sadly I don’t feel any connection to them. Cool to be asked though.
3. Hillsborough tragedy – in 1989 96 people died in a crush at a semi final football match. Even though the findings were a few month ago I’ll still mention it. As a child, I remember watching about the Hillsborough tragedy, it made me angry. I could see the fans were innocent and the police were lying and I was like 5?6? .i remember crying that people died so horrifically and then were lied about so callously. How wrong this was to those who died and families, how could people be so cruel? I think since then, I’ve been connected to it. It recently was in the news again because a decision was near its conclusion in a high court hearing. I felt a spirit with me, I don’t know who- wether they were a victim, or like me they too were angered by it. One thing I knew, there was no way this spirit would let fans be blamed, the spirits were not having it. . I felt them again on the day the fans were proved innocent. Finally the truth was exposed, the police lied, the news reporters lied, politicians lied. Fans formed rescue groups to try to save those who collapsed.. The police stood together confused.. Took no leadership. I lit a candle for those who died, and lit a candle for justice to find her way to those who lied and still keep shovel the lies on. Explanation of what happened at Hillsborough.
4. This year ended by going to Germany, sadly I couldn’t get the exact dates I wanted, so I only saw the start of the Marksmen festival. I had forgotten the start of it entirely as usually I see the parade the next day. It starts with 3 very loud punctuated fire works on top of a hill: where we all walk to to hold the festivities. This is done by the shooting competitions,bands, stalls, bumper cars etc. 3 days of marching, dancing and drinking in short. I’m going off the topic slightly. At the start.. The marks men who are old enough to be out at half 8 at night.. Carry torches, March a short distance around the centre of the village, and sing a hymn to fallen soldiers. I actually found it quite touching. I couldn’t remember this at all from before, but I suppose I wasn’t old enough to see it or to remember it. Anyway Der lied vom Gute kamerade. I really like it. I am going to try to upload the video I have of it. These are photos of the two memorial points. The heart – is inscribed with a general idea of thinking of those you love, and lost the second for those who died in wars.
5. The new kemetic year has started, and the oracle have been given by Aset. The year of Light and delight. You can Read the oracle here http://polytheist.com/kemet-today/2016/08/04/aset-oracle-for-year-24/ as found on Rev. Siudas own blog. So far, I’ve had one experience of this years influence. I was watching a recording of a man undergoing past life regression therapy, there was one part, where he chanelled Jesus – who was watching over him. I kept an open mind about whether this was real or not, but.. The feelings that I got where not my own, and I could feel a presence.. Smiling at me, giving me feelings of love and peace. It was really quite beautiful in its own right. The therapist asked what message he had for people viewing the videos – suddenly the sun outside became intensely bright .. And those feelings came back to me. So, there I have it. I just met Jesus 😆 I thought I’d be the last person to experience that.
Lastly, I came across a newly made video/ song by Yakoov Shwekey, called We are a miracle. One of the people directing it is on my Facebook feed, because of the humourish songs he makes under the name of Jewbellish. This one was not however humourous, and the information around the video interested me. The man featured in it, is one of two survivors of the holocaust; who are able to tell the story. I have borrowed this next text from Mendy Pellin. He tells it better.
When I was a kid, I heard a story: During the Yom Kippur war, there was an Israeli tank that found itself alone and outnumbered. The tank commander knew this was the end, it was only a matter of a few minutes before he was going to get killed. So he decided to spend his final moment saying Shema in his Tefilin. He stood on top of his tank and covered his eyes. But when he removed his eyes… all the enemies were fleeing.
Later, when they captured one of the enemy tank commanders, the enemy said they saw the Israeli soldier, unshielded, on top of his tank, with boxes and strings attached to him. They figured ‘if he’s standing there without a care, he must be wearing some kind of advanced weapon we are not geared for.’ So they quickly got the hell out of there.
I’m not sure if this story is true. But I thought it really illustrates the point that our nation is alone… but we have G-d to pray to. And through illogical ways, we survive. We are a miracle.
– This tank commander represents ‘the Jew’. He survived through Auschwitz, he survived fighting for the holy land. But, just as with every Jew, in everyday life, it’s easy to forget that we are in fact a living miracle. Our downfall always starts with us forgetting that. That’s why our ‘Jew’ used his Holocaust uniform to create a bag to hold his Tefilin. Those two items together is an instant reminder how much of a miracle we are.
But there comes a time, that we must pass on our ‘miracle’ to the next generation. So, as an old man, he takes his Tefilin bag to his grandson as a bar mitzvah gift. When he walks in, he is suddenly greeted to the sight of his grandchild already living that miracle. Not on a tank. Not in Auschwitz. Free. And that gives him the greatest joy he can imagine.
– Keeping with our theme of the jewish nation standing alone. I had the singer, Yaakov Shwekey, sing to an empty theater and an empty hall. We can try to yell to the world that we have a right to exist. Even with the greatest logic, there is ultimately no one listening. We are singing to ourselves. But it’s still important to ‘sing’ out loud that we are a miracle – even if no one is listening. Because we as a nation can’t be reminded enough! And eventually, our young will ‘sing’ with is – as illustrated by a children’s choir in the empty hall.
– The actor who acted as the survivor is a real Auschwitz survivor. He’s 90 years-old and living in Los Angeles. His name is Morris (Moshe) Price. His parents were both killed in the gas chambers.
A little after being liberated by US soldiers, he moved to America. Being that he applied for citizenship, it made him eligible for the draft. So he was drafted into the US Army and sent back to Germany. Just a year after being on the brink of death, extremely malnourished and sick, he returned to the same place, in great health, wearing a US Soldier uniform commanding the Germans.
– The first time I met Morris to be in the music video, I asked him to share his life story. Before starting his story, he prefaced with: “I just want to tell you, it doesn’t make sense that I’m sitting here today…. I’m a miracle…”He said that without me telling him the name of the song or what it’s about. I really got the goose bumps. Morris really does represent the Jewish existence being a miracle
Even in a place where politics is meant to be ignored – this year a Jewish man won a gold medal but his Egyptian counterpart refused to shake his hand. The Olympic player received death threats from ‘ Muslims’ to make sure he didn’t shake his hand. Anyway. Here’s the song I’m completely in love with; We are a miracle and yes, when I played it the first time – Jesus popped by to agree with me. This has been a long log of thoughts.
I do not have a lot to say right now, but wanted to log my up and coming events. At the moment I am working on the Faroe Islands ‘ tradition’ of beaching pilot whales to kill for meat. So far the killing is in process and an estimated 50 have died. Research has shown high levels of mercury in whale meat, so even though these murderes are slowly poisoning themselves’ it’s not fast enough to my liking. This year I’ve magically tried to steer these pilot whales away from the eyes and ears of the murderes although admittedly I am a little late as I didn’t realise it had started already. Better late than never. I also used sea salt as an offering, funny I bought it this week and didn’t make a connection immediately. Synchronicity eh. Not sure what I will do next year, but it will be more elaborate. The other issue I am participating in this week is a planned response, to answer the call of black witches; primarily those living in America. As I’m sure a lot of us are aware of police killing black people over minor incidents and no justice for these families. There have been 2 black men killed this week alone. so —Saturday 9 th july, 10 pm eastern time – world wide ritual to fight police brutality. I watched a live rally this morning, lucky no lives taken in the rally outside the mayors home, but have since heard of another rally with fatalities. The racism and police brutality has come to a head, now is the time. I plead everyone with a sense of right and wrong to stand against brutality.
Some times I think to myself, I’m not ready for the initiation part of having The Rite of Parent Divination. Some times i think I really need a mind- rest. My head or my body it seems, take turns to throw me. How much more can I handle? Need to rest. More recently, I’ve been wondering what lurks in my mind, behind closed doors to which even I can not access. I also mused at how in spiritual work you are expected to know yourself, complete integration. Yet, I suppose like any sort of trauma, my mind has sealed away a world of pain, which is now seeping through its guard. What I feared, was just how much it will crush me like last time. Will I sleep 16 hours and struggle to wake up, will my thoughts clog to a degree I have no room for anything else. So; how do you protect yourself… From yourself? I have made up a word for what I need, I call it the Mind Umbrella. Just picturing it, makes me smile and eases my anxiety. Whatever comes my way, i will deal with it. I will still stand at the end of it. After explaining my problem to a therapist, I felt there wasn’t really a way to protect yourself from in coming wall collapses, but better it be through therapy than by accident. And so, now I have the job of trying to form connections to my symptoms and what’s left behind the doors. Tiredness, excessive sleeping – yes even for me! Thoughts starting to slowdown and feel heavier, like a secret weight seeping in everyday. So that’s what I know. I’m currently feeling the ” just leave me alone ” part. Don’t want to go out, just want to sleep. I want to yawn just typing it. This is frustrating. Damn it.
The best magic, in my view is: using what’s available to you. Your bed just broke? Good. Turn it into your enemies and happy smashing.
Going to the pet shop for your Degus hay? And come across an item who’s name is similar to your enemy? Good. Let the birds peck them away. Live by an underpass? And that magical item turned into your enemy? Stuff it with hay, degu poop, and rat / mouse nibbles . And then sit it in what is either dog or human pee.
What struck me about this photo is how terrified the zippy looks. But I like that it will feed rodents ( because I put food in the body ) and provide nice stuffing for nests. It’s been a busy two days ! I can’t wait to buy an axe to chop up the headboard from my broken bed. .
When I am in acute pain, my focus is ” what will get rid of this pain, let’s do all the things to get rid and keep it that way”. So years of exercising and learning the hard way what aggregates disc / nerve pain, I have been accustomed to. Pretty shit experience but liveable. To then having mysterious pain , that few things seem to help, to being bounced around appointment to appointment and it taking 2 or so years to find out what’s wrong. In this time, I don’t know how if at all, I kept some sanity . What I have is permanent, ever present and constantly in my mental chatter, telling me what to do, what to avoid and don’t forget your meds. Survival planning. Well, what happens when, slowly, after years of survival mode turns into.. Ooh this shit ain’t so bad.. I feel pretty good! Discomfort is minimal. Bitch! I can do other stuff again. Thankfuck for that! I decided to read a medical book on fibromyalgia, to pick up some tips to managing it, especially as I wanted to know how to handle fatigue better if it came round again. To my surprise, as I started to read it – an anger burned away suddenly. It was like it was not mine, then it went again. I never was able to read that book. I discussed this phonemon with a work colleague who helps me navigate my fibromyalgia. She said,”
anger is another burden to carry, have you considered counselling?”
No. I’m quite enjoying my bit of peace for the first time in years! I’ll think about it later.
Now is the later. My anger had slowly but surely descended and suffocated me, I oddly
did not sense it as anger, I felt it more as stress and a vague negative feeling inside. At work again, this time with some one else, I finally peiced together the feelings correctly, and it hurt. When I got home, I was sick immediately, and took hours to sleep. My next day I just cried. The next day, a new wave of uncomfortable feelings came up. Ones that are unhealthy, some that are. I wasanxious about, if I had counselling, how would I realistically cope with the feelings ? And work ? I’m exhausted mentally. I came across Rainer Maria Rilke this week. I am really in to Rainer Maria Rilke, I don’t usually like poems at all. There is one letter he wrote to a young man who was torn between going into the military or being a poet. I found some peace in it, I guess, maybe, counselling will be bearable after all.
“Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet